Don't expect a guy to hold the door open for you and not check out your ass on the way by.

We've all heard it hundreds of times before: chivalry is dead. However, I'm actually not saying that here, despite the title I assume you've already read. It's not dead. It just comes at the cost of a good ass checking. Whether this cost has been there all along, I don't know. I didn't live a hundred years ago.

Now, you might be asking, "Melissa, why would you say something like that? What do you think men are? Pigs?" No, I don't think they're pigs. I just think they're men, and no matter how smooth/subtle/utterly charming all males think that they are, they're not. Any girl could tell you that, and if she doesn't, she's playing dumb because she thinks that you (the boy) thinks it's cute. We actually know about a lot of the little things that guys do behind our backs. We just choose not to say anything because secretly it makes us feel hot and cool on the inside, and there's absolutely no shame in that.

Anyway, I came to this realization today when I had neglected to bring my student ID with me to class. This meant that I had no way of getting into my dorm building since Plattsburgh is on a scanning system where you put your card up to the scanner and it will give or deny you access to that building. Mine gives me access to my dorm all hours of the day, except not when I leave it in the back pocket of my pants from last night instead of putting it back in my wallet, which I actually had remembered. This meant that I had to wait for someone to decide to go in or out of my building and then play it off like we had magically arrived at the same time.

Luckily, my wait wasn't that long. It only took moments of purposelessly rummaging through my bag until a guy with a skateboard came out on his way to class. Not only did he open the door, giving me my in, but he kindly stood there and waited for me to go by before he went on his way. And you want to know how I know that he checked out my backside?

Peripheral Vision: (n) Vision at the edges of the visual field using only the periphery of the retina.
(Definition from Princeton University's WordNet. http://wordnet.princeton.edu/)

It really is a magical thing. Got me through all my years of band camp and helps me know when boys are checking me out.

Now, I am no narcissist. Anyone who knows me also knows that I have all kinds of self-esteem issues and would not be tooting any horns about my ass, but that's the beauty of this concept. This is where you have to actually give the guys props. They've realized that an ass is an ass no matter what the face looks like and that the right pair of jeans can do wonders. It's called a But-Her-Face. (If you don't know what this is, you can definitely check it out here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wK7wW-qj2SY)

Once a girl turns around -- for example, to go up the stairs to the floor where her room is -- it's all fair game as long as they're not 200 lbs. overweight. I feel if a girl falls anywhere in the realm of borderline anorexic to slightly chunky, this happens to them. So ladies, if you fall in here, then congratulations. Your butt's worthy of an almost Hollywood-like sneak peak.